‘We would have to quit ancient millionaires leaving their fortune to their cats, as this income can be employed to even more their murderous regime.’ Photograph: Yay Media/Alamy
So what we have lengthy suspected has ultimately come accurate cats are striving to destroy people. People furry evil geniuses who have been plotting from the comfort of your quite personal lap have exposed themselves as carriers of tuberculosis making an attempt their greatest to infect their owners.
For years we’ve been questioning why they’ve been staring at us like that, why they are so withholding with their affection, why white cats only ever sit on your black clothes. It is all turning out to be terrifyingly clear now. First, they came for the sparrows and I said absolutely nothing.
The selection seems clear and we have a precedent in this nation we are going to have to begin culling our cats. It may possibly not have worked on badgers, but that isn’t going to suggest it will not perform for Socks, Mufti and Chairman Miaow.
People are currently generating the situation for culling cats but it is not that straightforward.
First of all, cats have to be killed 9 occasions, which is hugely labour intensive, and they can’t be killed by pushing them off substantial locations.
Secondly, we would have to end ancient millionaires leaving their fortune to their cats as this money can be used to even more their murderous regime. We’d need to have to freeze the assets of the hundreds of cat charities wilfully trying to keep them alive.
Thirdly, we require to target the ruthless feline PR machine by taking down all web videos of kittens on roombas, kittens saying “yum” as they eat, cats taking part in pianos, fighting with printers and most certainly Simon’s Cat. Basically half the web wants to be taken down. As the other half of the internet is porn, we also want to hunt down and ban all the cat porn, commencing with this.
The Every day Mail requirements to get onside, maybe by pointing out that domestic cats are immigrants or that girls are delaying childbirth simply because they are acquiring cats instead. But no a single display them Cats That Appear Like Hitler. There are, nonetheless, a couple of issues with killing all the cats in the United kingdom.
There is a powerful cultural association in between females and cats, possibly dating back to when witches roamed freely, so any cull is likely to be viewed as misogynistic. Cat bin lady was not only a harbinger of this anti-cat fervour, she was also a traitor to her gender. Feminists are already nicely-equipped for the protests, they’ve currently acquired the “Hands off our pussies” placards.
Cats have acquired some extremely effective allies, and not just Blofeld. Lenin liked his cat, Mark Twain hinted at the masonic website link to cats when he said “When a guy loves cats, I am his pal and comrade with out additional introduction”, and I for a single am not messing with Gilgamesh. And though these folks might be dead or fictional, there are people that the cats haven’t presently killed who will still be inclined to shill for the cat military-industrial complex.
Brian May possibly might be active with the badgers but we can rope in Elaine Paige, who would leap at the likelihood of rerecording Memory with Postman Pat. Yusuf Islam demonstrated his stand towards felines when he changed his name – when are we going to see this type of patriotism from Cat Deeley?
No. It is clear that we should welcome our cat overlords and tolerate the killer pussies amongst them. Until finally David Cameron is willing to publicly execute Larry the cat and the other a hundred,000 cats on the British government’s payroll (yes, that is how many are employed to preserve down the mice population on government home, jobs that could be done by British employees), then there will be no leadership in the fight against them. Plus, we can not give canine-owners the smug fulfillment, or even much more of our telly will be invaded by Gaby Roslin hosting Britain’s Doggiest Canine. In this ongoing war, I’m siding with the cats.